An introduction to Peanuts

Ever since the GrodsSoldier died and the Dogfighter took its place, I've been meaning to show why I meant by 'Peanuts.' Peanuts was a central aspect of my youth. Having inherited many books from General Father and his peers, I progressed into a mildly fanatical die-hard fan, and I am still collecting today. Rather than try to explain what Peanuts is, I'll instead show what it is (when I find some of the flying ace, I'll put them up).













Good memories.

Life's hard for a world war one flying ace.

Especially at the moment. Myself, with a few others, are performing a thorough series of maintenance checks and flying maneuvers, which is all rather fun, but leaves very little time for blogging (have you every gotten up in the morning at 5 am, repeatedly? You don't). Soon after, there are the theoretical exams on our knowledge. So still little time. The bright side, of course, is that it's a perfect time for another LazyBoy moment. Tonight's edition comes courtesy of Buzzfeed, featuring billboards that don't belong together.

First, some toilet humour...





Religion gets quite a beating...







There's good ol' fashion irony...




And my favourite...


Actually, that might be intentional.

Fundies: the source of everything good, holy and hilarious. Well, hilarious, anyway.

A while back, the Chaser did a skit, satirising the objects Christians claim to see holy people in. In response, the Christian Theo 'Democratic' Party gave a press release condemning the skit*. Now, an American is claiming that he can see Mary in some bird crap on his wing mirror. Either this guy is a fundie of the highest (or lowest) order, or he is a brilliant Poe.

I actually think it's impossible to properly make fun of fundies. They do it so well already, nobody else can top it.

*In the press release, also note the brilliant segue from condemning the sketch to good ol' fashion Islamophobia. Piers Akerman would be proud.

ATTACK OF THE DERANGED MUTANT KILLER MONSTER SNOW GOONS

Title, once again, to Bill Watterson.

Either I have a very disturbed imagination, or I am easily influenced by people with equally disturbing imaginations. Either way, if/when I go to the mountains, I'll take an idea or fifteen from the Book of Calvin.

Crazy righty gets it right for a change

From Leon 'What is it with Lefties and their mummies?' Bertrand's ironically named blog of reason.

Political correctness in the UK has reached stifling and epidemic proportions:

BRITAIN appears to be evolving into the first modern soft totalitarian state. As a sometime teacher of political science and international law, I do not use the term totalitarian loosely.

There are no concentration camps or gulags but there are thought police with unprecedented powers to dictate ways of thinking and sniff out heresy, and there can be harsh punishments for dissent.

Nikolai Bukharin claimed one of the Bolshevik Revolution's principal tasks was "to alter people's actual psychology". Britain is not Bolshevik, but a campaign to alter people's psychology and create a new Homo britannicus is under way without even a fig leaf of disguise.

The Government is pushing ahead with legislation that will criminalise politically incorrect jokes, with a maximum punishment of up to seven years' prison. The House of Lords tried to insert a free-speech amendment, but Justice Secretary Jack Straw knocked it out.

You know what? That freaks the bejeezus out of me. The idea that people might be so much as fined for telling a tastless joke is genuinely authoritarian. That being said, I have know idea just how accurate the Australian is in reporting this. However, if UK Labor plans on implementing anything like what the Oz is describing, then it may be only a matter of time before the ALP tries it as well.* Heck, after the internet filter, they'll try anything.

This of course means that civil liberties are under attack from both the hard Left and hard Right. The LPA introduced those anti-terrorism laws which have given far greater powers to police and authorities (stripping suspected criminals of their rights in the process), and now free speech is being constrained by those British softcocks. Still, when it comes to the Brits, I shouldn't be too surprised.

Hence, I would like to share some of my favourite politically incorrect jokes, at least before that's censored as well. Firstly, women.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you?
Made the chain too long.

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.

What if God's a woman?
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.Q: How can you tell a Jewish house?

Next up, Jews.

Q: What's a way you can tell a Jewish house?
A: Toilet paper on the clothesline.

Q: What's another way you can you tell a Jewish house?
A: Padlocks on the rubbish bins.

Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?
A: Because someone dropped a twenty-cent piece.

Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?
A: Free ham.

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up the collection plate.
The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for God (to use for the parish) and all that landed outside was for himself (as living expenses).
The priest said that his system was similar: He just drew a straight line, tossed the money up, and that what landed on one side was for God and the church, and that what landed on the other side was for himself.
The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same line: "I just toss the plate up in the air," he explained, "and anything God can catch he can have, while I simply take what's left."

This Black guy was walking down 125th Street, kicking rubbish out of his way, when he spotted something that gleamed strangely. It turned out to be an oddly shaped brass bottle. When he rubbed it, a Jewish genie appeared.
"I'll give you two wishes" intoned the genie (not the usual three wishes; after all, it is a Jewish genie).
"Far out" says the Black guy, "First, I'm sick of being Black - I wanna be White, uptight and out-of-sight. Second, seein' how I love having women hanging around me all the time - I wanna to be surrounded by sweet, warm pussy".
So the genie turned him into a tampon.
The moral of the story? You don't get anything from a Jew without strings being attached.

Israel Moses, living in New York, married a Black woman. One day their boy came home from school very disturbed. "What's the matter, son?", asked Israel. "Am I a Black or a Jew?" "What's the problem?", asked his father, "You can be both". "No," said his son, "you see, a boy at school has got a radio he's selling for five dollars, and I don't know whether to bargain with him or to mug him!"

And with that, we shift to African-American jokes.

Q: Why do Blacks always have sex on the brain?
A: Because they've got pubic hair on their heads.

Q: How do you stop little Black kids from jumping up and down on your bed?
A: Put "Velcro" on your ceiling.

Q: Why are the palms of Black people's hands white?
A: Because they were all leaned up against cop cars when God spray-painted.

Q: Why do Blacks wear platform shoes?
A: To stop their knuckles from dragging on the ground.

Q: Why don't you run over a Black guys bike?
A: Because it might be yours!

Q: What did God say when another Black baby was born?
A: OPPS! Burnt another one.

Q: What does NBA mean ?
A: Nothing but Africans.

Q: What do you call a 100 year old black man in a barn ?
A: Antique farming equipment.

A little, short man about 5 foot 5inches walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. The bar tender looks and him and says, "Hey man, you better get out of here with that shirt on." The man replies "Why?" The bar tender says well first off it says "I HATE NIGGERS". And secondly it's about 10 minutes from now a lot of them come in here from work. The man insists he will be fine. He proceeds to finish his beer, and orders another one. Well right as he is doing so, three blacks walk in and sit down next to him. They order some drinks, and then notice the man's shirt. The first black guy turns to the white man and says what does your shirt say?" The white man turns to the bar tender and says, "The first thing I hate about black guys is they can't read." The second black guy turns to him and says, "What did you say"? The white man again turns to the bar tender and says, "the second thing I hate about black guys is that they can't hear." The third black guy (a huge black guy, 6ft 9in, arms the size of dumbbells, really mean looking) turns to the white man and says, "Would you like to take this outside?" The white man agrees to take it outside. 10 minutes later he returns and sits back down, orders another beer, and says to the bar tender " The third thing I hate about black guys is that they always bring a knife to a gun fight"

Now that IS funny, you gotta admit.

*And I have a nasty suspicion that the Greens may not be entirely opposed to such laws.

The one thing better then fundies' quotes is the responses.

Don't believe me? Then check this.

"Do you think Atheists are "closet believers" of God?
Sometimes I think they are too scared to admit there is a God.

They never do any research, they never read. All they say there is no God. They use ignorance instead of intelligence.

I would wish they would take the Holy Bible and read the whole book. Then comprehend it, And then make arguments.

The Holy Bible is so full of hidden information. HIDDEN information. Just reading it, not going to do it. You have to understand every verse. EVERY SINGLE VERSE. Trust me, it will take nearly all your life to understand the Holy Bible.

Maybe they will become believers on their death bed. I hope it isn't too late for them.

If you enjoyed that, you'll love the comments. There's:

You have to understand every verse. EVERY SINGLE VERSE. Trust me, it will take nearly all your life to understand the Holy Bible.
And with 'understand', I bet you mean "explain away or justify every single one of the horrific atrocities carried out by God and the Israelites"?

This is good:

"They never do any research, they never read. ... They use ignorance instead of intelligence."

I've just been hit with the shrapnel of thousands of irony meters exploding simultaneously.

As well as:

If this is how Aron S markets his God, may he never go into advertizing [sic].

Also,

"Maybe they will become believers on their death bed."
Nope, I'm laughing all the way into nonexistance. Or Hell. As long as it wasn't with all the self-righteous evangelists I'm happy.

And:

I would wish they would take the Holy Bible and read the whole book. Then comprehend it, And then make arguments.

They do. Then they say "it's a bunch of books written by some anonymous bronze age Arab goat herders. It's got talking snakes, women made out of ribs, staffs turning into serpents, people rising from the dead after three days, a non-existent "firmament" ... you actually believe this nonsense? Do you read Lord of the Rings and think Middle Earth is real, too?"

And my personal favourite...

"They never do any research, they never read."

Capt'n they took out the primary irony meter!


"They use ignorance instead of intelligence."

And there goes the back up!

Lolpolitik

Rummaging through my PC files, I came across some home made motivational posters. Ahhh...memories.

Effeminate Nazis...

...where would we be without you?